Hi, I'm Lee.

I am a 52 yr old woman who has suffered with depression and anxiety since birth. 
Why do I say since birth?,  Well because they started hospitalizing and medicating me by 10.

I was also a drug addict, who was man dependant, with no self-esteem, abused in every way.
I am hyper sensitive, overly empathetic, taken advantage of,  a bad judge of character, with bad luck, who made bad choices,  agoraphobia,  zero friends, no trust, and very alone.

I also suffer from PTSD which has shattered my mind and multiple personality disorder which kind of does more of the same.

Anyone who has felt any of this knows what a struggle it is to survive every single fucking day. The state of the world today does not help.

Throughout the lockdown I became very suicidal.
I am not a suicidal person usually.

My mother committed suicide and I vowed I would never go out that way.
I viewed her choice as weak.

But since 2020 started, with event after event escalating my anxiety, by March I started to think maybe she was the bravest mo-fo I knew.

I spent April May and June researching the different ways to end it.
Making lists of what I had to do before i could die, putting my shit in order to leave less mess behind for my people to have to deal with.

"They" say women often plan their suicides and men can be more spontaneous. 

No one thought my mother would ever really do it....she talked about it constantly, she attempted 100s of times.

"They" say if you talk about it a lot you seldom follow thru or you're just looking for attention.

And i knew the 2 most important anti-suicide concepts , and I ran them over and over in my head.
1. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

( BC even if most of ur life is shit there are still good moments....this too can pass....what if tomorrow is the day it all changes for you?)

2. When you die your problems are just shifted on to any persons who ever loved or cared about you. 

(So even tho your "out"...((and who knows what "out" looks like??)) There are gonna be ppl affected by your choice. Even if you know no one and have no one. You will affect every person who has to attend to your dead body.
And if you do have people who care the damage you do is irreparable....trust me I know)

So I called my doctor last week.
I asked for meds.

(I kind of wish in retrospect, that I had filmed the last few weeks of my descent into complete and utter madness. I honestly would have liked to show how bad it got but you're gonna have to take my word for it)

I intend to dedicate this website to my healing.
It will be raw and candid at times.
It will sound crazy. Because I am.

But I want to get better. 
I want to be peaceful and  content for the remainder of my days. 

I will post writing, videos and art that I hope some will relate to, and take solace from?
If I help one other person in doing this for myself then I will be happy 🙏

Much Love 
Lee ( the ) 4real Lee
*Insta lee4reallee

P.S.  At the time of this writing I am not feeling suicidal, and some of my *hope aura* has come back. 
(My *hope aura* is this light I have in me. It seems that no matter what happens it is always there. I had definitely lost it for a bit)

P.P.S.  I am hopeful the pills will help.
((not just depression and anxiety ones but I have chronic pain so some muscle relaxers and non addictive pain pills might help me quell some of my rage also!!))

P.P.P.S I forgot to mention my rage 😠